Dear reader, lately I have started to collect stories written by women from Kosovo in order to share them with you. The previous story about “Analsex And Stitching To Stay Virgin In Kosovo” was one of them.
This week I would like to share another story with you. However, since the previous story resulted not only in healthy debate, but also in online bullying, I would like to kindly remind you that I am not the author and that the women sharing their personal stories on my social media platforms should be respected. /Mirja Lakso
This week’s story:
“I would like to share a story of my own personal experience related to the concept of “virginity” in Kosovo. Firstly I would like to say many thanks to the 18 year old girl for sharing her story. Kudos to her for her bravery and for sharing her experience and views, which are very valuable in the debate.
More Albanian women need to share their true and raw stories, and receive support and acknowledgement for their experiences, instead of questioning, shaming and blaming.
I’m a Kosovar Albanian woman. My family migrated to a European country in the early 90’s, and that’s where I still live today. When I was 16 years old we were invited to my older male cousins wedding in Kosovo.
It was such a wonderful experience. We had so much fun, we were dancing all day long, the atmosphere was full of joy. It was like a proper Albanian wedding party can be. The bride was beautiful, but she seemed a bit anxious and nervous. But maybe that’s natural on your wedding day? Everyone else were so happy.
The day after the wedding, we were hanging around and talking about how much fun we had dancing the day before. One of my older female cousins approached me and some of the other teenage female cousins. She said that she wanted to talk to us.
We were invited to the bride’s room. I remember being excited and full of expectations. Were we invited to secret “girls talk” with the older cousins? What was going to happen?
When we got into the room, she said she wanted to show us something. Then she started unfolding some sheets. I still did not understand what it was all about.
Then she took up one of the sheets, holding it up in our direction. And I saw what she wanted to show us. The sheet had large stains of blood. It was not only a few drops, it was actually quite a lot. A large area of it was covered in blood. At least it seemed so to my 16 year old inexperienced eyes.
My older cousin looked at us and said “This is what it looks like when you are a truly honorable woman. This is what it means when you raise yourself and your whole family’s honor”.
I don’t recall the rest of her words. Immediately I started feeling sick. I was horrified. I remember thinking “What the hell did he do to her? Why did she bleed so much? Did he hurt her?”
I felt disgusted of the whole situation. My 16 year old mind was wondering what the purpose was of showing us this. Why were they proud of her blood? How can a whole family’s honor lay within that blood?
Why does a young woman, not much older than myself (I think she was 19-20), have to carry that burden? Why is the honor and elevation achieved when the blood is shown for others to observe?
So many questions where whirling around in my head. And the whole process of showing it up like this made me feel sick. It seemed like they wanted to educate us on how to elevate our family’s honour when that time comes.
I left the room, and ran out for some air. I could not stand it anymore. I felt scared, terrified, disgusted, sad…. I remember feeling so sorry for the bride.
I later learned that there is no such thing as a “hymen” that gets broken when you have sexual intercourse for the first time. The whole thing is a complete myth.
Studies show that only 3 out of 10 women bleed when having their first sexual intercourse. And the reason for bleeding is not related to an imaginary hymen. Rather, it is related to the lack of sexual arousal and no lubrication.
Maybe she is feeling nervous, anxious and not relaxed. And then the vaginal mucosa will get hurt from outer force and start bleeding.
It makes me sad to think of all our Albanian sisters enduring this, all based on a myth, for the sake of “honor”. This of course applies to women in other parts of the world as well, but now I chose to focus on my beloved home country Kosovo.
A few years later I experienced my first sexual intercourse. And I did not bleed.
I assume that some readers might get defensive and discredit my story. They will say that this does not happen anymore, or that it happens only in the rural area, etc etc…
In that case, why would the experiences and stories of rural women be less valid? They are a large part of Kosovo. I urge you all to take a step back, and listen.
Listen to the stories of the women of Kosovo. They are true, they are valid, they are experienced by us. Listen, support, and help in creating a constructive dialogue about this subject.
Published by: Mirja Lakso
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My name is Mirja Lakso. I am a writer... 