My Darkest Nightmare Started During The Wedding Night

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This is a text written by Rina Tahiraj and it is an honor for me to publish it – Mirja Lakso

This text I would like to dedicate to all women that are or have been victims in a relationship or marriage – Rina Tahiraj

When I was in a situation that maybe many of you are in right now, I chose to keep everything to myself. I was discrete and painted a “happy picture” of the relationship I was in.

With my wish to not tell anyone I even asked my parents to keep my secret about the “sheet event” (checking for blood on the sheets). Not even my siblings or anyone else in our extended family had any idea of what I had been a victim of.

Still today my parents and siblings don’t even know 30% of what I have actually been through. During that time, I was ashamed. I thought everyone would laugh at me. I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

He manipulated me to believe he was the one who was always right through reprimanding me with old traditions. This resulted in me being scared that no one would take my side if I told people the truth.

I didn’t want people to know I had been through something I myself had never even heard of. Watching other people being happy in their relationships, I didn’t want others to know that I was unhappy.

The wedding night was the start of my worst nightmare. It was the start of something that would become my dark prison. It felt like the walls were closing in and that my lungs were screaming for air.

It took less than a minute for him to accomplish what I saw as a test to establishing the truth about my virginity. His face was unforgettable, I remember it like it was yesterday. How he looked at me as if I were useless.

Desperately I tried so many times to explain to him that he was wrong about me not being a virgin. But he refused to listen and kept calling me cruel words, calling me whore.

When he angrily left the bedroom, I couldn’t think about anything else than how he could do this to me. I didn’t understand anything, when I was accused of bringing shame to his part of the family.

I was accused of not fulfilling what an honorable woman should do during the wedding night. I have no idea of when I fell asleep, but I’m sure that I didn’t get more than a few hours of sleep before my mother-in-law woke me up 5.30 the following morning.

I noticed directly through her facial expression that he had already told his family about the wedding night. She looked at me with hate in her eyes.

But how I was feeling was completely uninteresting for any of them. During the whole day I felt entirely empty of life. I just wanted to disappear from there.

This was the same day as women from my husband’s family were invited to see me display national costumes and long dresses wearing high heels.

Pretending to smile was the best thing I could do to hide the pain in front of over 20 women sitting there discussing the wedding while I was serving them coffee.

I remember how scared I, while wearing the uncomfortable high heels, that I would fall over and drop the tray with 10 cups of coffee.

I also remember that day as extremely painful to my heart and how it seemed the day would never end. To my surprise no one in my husband’s family showed any feelings or compassion to me. I was going to obey orders as a newcomer to the family.

After many days of conflict between my family and his, I chose to forgive him for his false accusations and carry on. The love I felt for him was enough reason for forgive him, even if it actually was unforgivable.

It turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life, because he never apologized or admitted that he was the one who did wrong. He only showed me that he was willing to continue the relationship with me.

What I didn’t know at the time was that he would never let go of his unreasonable accusations nor his mentality that gave him the idea that he could prove a woman’s virginity by seeing if she is bleeding or not.

Since the day I set foot in their home it felt like I was cursed. Not a single day did I manage to find peace.

So, when I read posts like the ones Mirja Lakso is publishing I cry every time. Because I can feel each and every emotion as if it was my own.

I have always been sensitive and bad at hiding my emotions, but life has made me even more sensitive as I am reminded sometimes about old feelings that will reside within me forever.

So instead of going against Mirja, who is using her precious time to create change, praise her instead for trying to do something that can prevent your daughters or future daughters ending up in a relationship like mine.

I am sitting here thinking about what kind of tools these women use to measure the truth in what Mirja is writing. I am thinking about how women can find it in themselves to accuse another women’s experiences to be false.  

Unfortunately I cannot reach another conclusion or interpret it differently, than that some of us are too proud of being Albanian, to admit that ancient mentality still exists and is still used on women today.

Kosovo is not a paradise, and swines exists even in Kosovo, no matter if one choses to accept it or not.

To you women who are trying to pull the plug on those who tries to put women’s experiences in the spotlight for the world to see; before you spit your sermon about something you have never experienced yourself, just be very happy that you have never had to go through that hell.  

While you are making statements about how things like this doesn’t happen anymore, bear in mind that somewhere a woman is sitting in a corner, completely hopeless, begging for a way out from that which you are claiming is untrue.

Think about how it might be these woman who are trying to find hope somewhere, who are reading your comments, which become the reason they bury themselves in loneliness instead of seeking help.

I don’t think you realize that it is YOU that creates the fear amongst these women to come out with their stories. It is YOU that kills these women’s hope.  

People are way too scared of other people’s opinions and treatment. But for a woman, who is already vulnerable, sensitive and weak, her self-esteem and confidence will worsen when she reads criticism from other women who are questioning the truth of the situation she is in.

I can simply say that it is YOU that put these women in hopeless thoughts, that one day can lead to something terrible.

You women who feel that the loneliness and the hopelessness is taking over your lives – You are NEVER alone. Hope will ALWAYS be there. There is ALWAYS a way out.

Fight until you find the match with which to light the candle. The path and the obstacles on the way may prolong the journey, but remember that all the challenges are there to strengthen you before you reach the finish line. Don’t ever give up.

If there is one thing you owe yourself it is to never surrender.

I know you think; why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this pain and unhappiness?

But it’s not about how we deserve that bad things happen to us. When they do it doesn’t mean that we have done something to deserve it.

I still thought that way even a long time after I managed to get myself out of the relationship. It was not until after I realized my own progress that I changed my view on my situation and my life.

I realized and understood that I wasn’t put in that relationship to be punished for something.

The day when I found myself again; it was like when getting one’s first glasses. You think you had great eyesight before, until you put on your new glasses and suddenly see each detail you didn’t see before.

A comforting voice of compassion is just what you need. The comfort that come with sharing your story with others is what will give you the power to get back on your feet.

People underestimate the meaning of a single hug for a woman who is running on empty; people don’t understand what the smallest gesture can mean.

Instead of letting the lesson of compassion create the spark for a woman to change her whole situation, some people choose to spit out statements without any experience at all, which only makes the situation for the affected women more difficult.

Shame on you!

For a woman trapped in this type of situation, if only woman in a thousand makes an ignorant comment it can result in her losing her will to live.

So, think twice before making statements about these sorts of sensitive and personal experiences. It could have been YOU or your daughter.

I want to end my text by saying that I am always open and ready to take time for each and every one of you who wants to share something that you carry, because I know exactly how heavy it is for the heart to keep things close that one really wishes to scream out loud for the world to hear.

Also, if there is anything you want to ask me, feel free to do it in the comments or contact me on either my Facebook or my Instagram.

/Rina Tahiraj

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rinushtahiraj

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Rinushis/

Translated and published by: Mirja Lakso

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